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showering with spiders

by KAI

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1.
i’m still counting the dust on the floor of my car and you can’t be mistaken you know that i’m all out of time, out of time i still think i catch glimpses of you from afar have you loved him the way that you said in my arms all the time? all the time? colder suddenly shoulders cuddled, we scolded time for its coming and going too fast oh, fast, but why did you run away? how could you- do you still want to feel like the girl we all want? yet the birthdays you wait for, just words on your wall and i can’t believe you always thought loyalty was boring and i roll down the window blow smoke, watch it fall did you know how it feels to feel nothing at all? it’s so perfect haven’t you heard yet? the state of the world’s too ugly to face i still drink like i dream, too fucked up to chase it the blasphemous joy, how’d you lie in my arms? i found purpose that autumn, twelve seasons have fallen the years are all copies, just green in my cartridge they crowned you the victor, made monsters so heartless i can’t hate that sunset so fuck who you want i don’t care if you’re gone do you know how it feels to feel nothing at all? maybe it’s time we all go home
2.
come the morning, i’ll bleed schism, psychopath, sea vision blurry, retrospective in the future, i’ll see this is more than i’ve been wondering the silhouettes come rushing over me and we- and i don’t know which way i’m supposed to head till i’m fucking dead yeah, won’t you open up the doors and find me in the rain had this feeling since i met you in 2008 i was sinning in the back, at the front selling lemonade play with strings, carbon copies of my energy for what it’s worth, i’m (psychopath) fun it all could be yours the moments and the words listen, i’ve been, yeah i’ve been here before so don’t expect that fault to fall upon your shoulders i can see it all in your face only raindrops in the end but i gave you all i’ve got and still you left me nothing, yeah i guess that’s all you are, you’re clearly nothing that’s all you, that’s all you are, you’re clear- that’s all you, that’s all you are, that’s all you that’s all you are, yeah
3.
hey father, i’ve been meaning to call you i’m sorry i’m not happy often and the days have felt so heavy but you told me, “just come back home when you’re ready” well, i’m ready no wiser, i’ve been showering with spiders it’s silent i’ve been so unguarded oh, the fire has long extinguished and you’re tired of watching all your fears burned out oh, what a way to say goodbye no pain when you’re dying on the inside gold flames burn brightest in the moonlight old names still fade when you hold on still wanna die young, so i smoke some and the city don’t sleep with the lights out running too fast, i’ve been dying to get out now so dazed, never felt so safe, no so amazed, never wanna wake up
4.
you’re caught in the sunlight, you’re fast asleep when the morning comes, i swear i’ll follow your footsteps to fit your dreams and the light streams through the air we could’ve been alright it feels the same, no change cuz everything feels like you said i’m unhappy cuz i’ve been scared to be more than what’s in my head i’ve fantasized about poisoned nights trust me, you’ll love it it’s like falling asleep, waiting for the feelings to fade to nothing yeah, i can see it all in your face, only raindrops in the end but i gave you all i’ve got and still you left me nothing we should’ve been alright it feels the same, no change cuz everything feels like cuz everything feels like shit and all i wanna do is love you alone, with courage but time hurts
5.
kthxbye 04:18
sorry that i like to say you loved me and if these moments are my last sure, i wish you’d come back you’ve been away all summer long and i called to feel so empty so if the poison fills my glass, sure, i wouldn’t mind that so when the tides are violent, will you follow me into the water? washed down the darkness and will all the pain fade out the moment i jump through, just like you promised? just like you promised i’ll wait for you to come i’ll wait until the day i don’t feel numb i can’t say i love you, they’re just words on the phone and in the moments i thought i might’ve, it felt so bad and in my mind i know it’s no sense the path behind me snow-drenched and time ahead so hopeless, and nothing ever works still i feel the same: sure, i hope you miss that so when the tides are violent, will you follow me into the water? washed down the darkness and will all the pain fade out the moment i jump through, just like you promised? just like you promised i’ll wait for you to come i’ll wait until the day our lives are gone not till the bitter end has mine just begun

about

"showering with spiders" is my first solo project. the bulk of it was created during the months of april-may 2020 while in isolation & promoting my last tape "atlas". this EP is an unfiltered look into my headspace back then - a musical work that reflects the anxiety and trauma that seemed to follow me everywhere i went in the early months of the year. coming to terms with the fact that "atlas" had gone wrong & i could only do my best. i figured it was time i revisited the sound & style of my early work as xi eleven in high school so i could present something naturally and authentically me.

having worked on the EP alongside atlas through the summer, i finished it in mid-november by myself in recording studios scattered across my college campus. i wanted to be as transparent as i could about my creative process, so i've uploaded breakdowns for most of the songs on this project. it's certainly a smaller project in scope than atlas was, and i expect that it will receive much less attention, but "showering with spiders" is personal to me in ways that "atlas" isn't and i thank you humbly for listening and reading if you're here.

if you're interested in the gear & tools i used to make this EP as a DIY college student / musician:
daw: ableton live 10 standard (w/ edu discount)
mics: shure sm58 & mxl 2003A (i recently upgraded to a neumann tlm 103 but that was after i finished this EP)
audio interfaces: focusrite scarlett solo + uad apollo solo
monitors: presonus eris 3.5
keys: alesis q88 + arturia essential 61
guitars: yamaha fs800, fender squier tele, and a hand me down classical guitar from my dad

credits

released January 15, 2021

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KAI New York, New York

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